A different side of me.

So i went mad on Tuesday. On Wednesday i became emotional, doubted my abilites and felt that everything was out of reach and felt stupid (like i said, feeling stupid is the worst feeling ever). On Thursday, i finally pulled myself tgt and just when i recovered my original state of being powered up, motivated and optimistic and thought i could conquer the world, i got freaking slammed by a massive blow at night. Thank God for super good tennis matches cos they calm me down by leaps and bounds and they act as a solace/ hideout for me to temporarily rescue myself from all the downside emotions.

You said "We've cut off everything alr." You have no idea how much i wanna believe yet it's attached with this doubt that comes along with it. (wow 2-in-1, double the pain, double the hurt). You know i want to tell you so badly that whatever happened 5 years ago, still replays vividly, image by image in chronological order, in the back of my mind whenever i think about it and that it has since become "my fondest memory" as a child. I hate that sorry and remorseful expression of yours, to me the greatest form of repentance will always be tears. Come on ntg pwns tears. Too bad i can't feel any tinge of your so called i'm sorry-ness. As much as i want to forget, it is sox1000000000^100000000 impossible. I'm not even talking about choices here for it has metamorphosed into a permanent memory. As much as i want to forgive, there's so many strings attached to it. I don't know how i got through these 6 years but it must have been true genuine heartfelt warm-blooded love that made up for all the hurt.

With every love comes hate and whenever there's sunshine, there will always be a shadow. If you're thinking about that one question to pop to me at this instant, my reply is "I'm not okay now" (emeline now you know why i wanted to talk to you so badly but you wanted me to sleep instead? maybe sleeping was better afterall) but i know i will get out of this shithole soon (I HAVE TO), that's what i've been doing for the past 6 years anyway and i've been nothing but strong :) *all in the name of God, Your strength is made perfect when i am weak. 3 days to prelims and i cannot afford to let this hinder me, yet i'm not in control and i simply cannot help feeling vulnerable, beaten/ defeated, weak/ feeble (this time it's 5-in-1).

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
-
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

The only consolation now is that i finally see stars in tonight's sky.